Friday, August 08, 2003
The reason I'm in love with Paul is simple.
I know him.
I can read him. I have learned what there is to know about him. I can predict his moods, his words, his thoughts.
I know what makes him happy and conversely I know what makes him sad. I know what Paul is capable of and because of this I am often disappointed by everything I have come to know.
What do I love most?
There is no fear with Paul. I'm 100% convinced that Paul is in love with me. I'm completely sure that Paul has found the guy he
wants to be with for the rest of his life. There is no doubt in my mind that Paul would do anything he could to hold on to me. It took
me a while to catch on to this, for me to figure out his pattern. Paul has always been a challenge for me. I was never sure what
priority I was in his life. It made me have to work for the relationship. It forced me to forego all of my previous stigmas. No one before Paul has made me want to sacrifice my happiness. No one before Paul has made me as obsessed as I have been in the past. Obsessed with being the perfect boyfriend.
As much as I'd like to believe that Paul and I have an open line of communication, I am now starting to think that it's just the
opposite. We have so much anger in our relationship resulting from numerous bad experiences that we have encountered along
the way. Mariah told me today that Paul said that "the Bahamas trip was the best time that Joe and I could have ever had. It was
the time of my life." If he believes this way, then how can I sit here and say that Paul deserves to be dropped on his ass? Why do
I think that I'm at all justified in causing this breakup?
Yes, I am unsatisfied. It's been 8 months since we've made love and I can't even begin to explain how much that hurts me. He
doesn't shower me with praise and he never surprises me with fun things. He doesn't ask how my day was and he doesn't verbally
support me in any of my endeavors. Paul does not put his arm around me when I am sad. I can't cry with Paul and feel comfortable about it.
He doesn't buy me a pair of shoes when the soles of my shoes are completely deteriorated. Paul is inconsistent with his attentiveness to our relationship. He can go a full week without calling me once. It's common for him to go away for a weekend and never call me once. Paul doesn't like to get out of the house or do anything spontaneious. He doesn't want to party with me. He doesn't want to do anything crazy. And worst of all, he doesn't have fun with me when we are in a group of people. Paul and I aren't a team. Never have been.
These are the things that I need to say to Paul when we have our final conversation about the future of our relationship.
I am ready.
I am ready to be single. I am ready to live my life for me now. I am ready to be the Joe CuttheShit that I meant to be when I
graduated from college. I have dreams. I have hopes and desires (luv u reets) and I have things that I want to do and
experience in my life. I didn't move to NYC (one of the BIGGEST cities in the world) to sit around and not enjoy it. To sit in
my room at night and be afraid of the good things that are coming my way.
I don't see how any conversation with Paul could save our relationship. There isn't much that he can say that will give me a new perspective on...us. I don't see how there is any difference between our relationship and our friendship. There is a popular term in the gay community for lesbians who stay together too long, much longer than was necessary for either person. This term is Lesbian Deathbed. While Paul and I aren't lesbians (surprised?), we are stuck in the worst "deathbed" I've ever seen. We are destroying eachother. Not helping or changing. Fucking lesbians and their damn deathbed.
I always thought that when I broke up with my first "real boyfriend" it would be because one of us fucked up; that one of us would have cheated on the other person or killed their mother or knocked their teeth out. But it's not like that all the time. This time, two boys who are very much in love with each other can't figure out how to have a stable, supportive, and edifying relationship. It's very sad. More than that, it's heartbreaking.
These are all of the things I need to say to Paul when we have our conversation. The reason why I haven't wanted to confront it up until now is simple. As simple as me being in love with him.
I love Paul more than I want to hurt him.
Yet, there is truth to the theory of living for oneself. Loving yourself so that you can love someone else. If the person you're with doesn't make you love yourself, then it's time to rethink the whole situation.
It could be time to find my roots and move on.
I know him.
I can read him. I have learned what there is to know about him. I can predict his moods, his words, his thoughts.
I know what makes him happy and conversely I know what makes him sad. I know what Paul is capable of and because of this I am often disappointed by everything I have come to know.
What do I love most?
There is no fear with Paul. I'm 100% convinced that Paul is in love with me. I'm completely sure that Paul has found the guy he
wants to be with for the rest of his life. There is no doubt in my mind that Paul would do anything he could to hold on to me. It took
me a while to catch on to this, for me to figure out his pattern. Paul has always been a challenge for me. I was never sure what
priority I was in his life. It made me have to work for the relationship. It forced me to forego all of my previous stigmas. No one before Paul has made me want to sacrifice my happiness. No one before Paul has made me as obsessed as I have been in the past. Obsessed with being the perfect boyfriend.
As much as I'd like to believe that Paul and I have an open line of communication, I am now starting to think that it's just the
opposite. We have so much anger in our relationship resulting from numerous bad experiences that we have encountered along
the way. Mariah told me today that Paul said that "the Bahamas trip was the best time that Joe and I could have ever had. It was
the time of my life." If he believes this way, then how can I sit here and say that Paul deserves to be dropped on his ass? Why do
I think that I'm at all justified in causing this breakup?
Yes, I am unsatisfied. It's been 8 months since we've made love and I can't even begin to explain how much that hurts me. He
doesn't shower me with praise and he never surprises me with fun things. He doesn't ask how my day was and he doesn't verbally
support me in any of my endeavors. Paul does not put his arm around me when I am sad. I can't cry with Paul and feel comfortable about it.
He doesn't buy me a pair of shoes when the soles of my shoes are completely deteriorated. Paul is inconsistent with his attentiveness to our relationship. He can go a full week without calling me once. It's common for him to go away for a weekend and never call me once. Paul doesn't like to get out of the house or do anything spontaneious. He doesn't want to party with me. He doesn't want to do anything crazy. And worst of all, he doesn't have fun with me when we are in a group of people. Paul and I aren't a team. Never have been.
These are the things that I need to say to Paul when we have our final conversation about the future of our relationship.
I am ready.
I am ready to be single. I am ready to live my life for me now. I am ready to be the Joe CuttheShit that I meant to be when I
graduated from college. I have dreams. I have hopes and desires (luv u reets) and I have things that I want to do and
experience in my life. I didn't move to NYC (one of the BIGGEST cities in the world) to sit around and not enjoy it. To sit in
my room at night and be afraid of the good things that are coming my way.
I don't see how any conversation with Paul could save our relationship. There isn't much that he can say that will give me a new perspective on...us. I don't see how there is any difference between our relationship and our friendship. There is a popular term in the gay community for lesbians who stay together too long, much longer than was necessary for either person. This term is Lesbian Deathbed. While Paul and I aren't lesbians (surprised?), we are stuck in the worst "deathbed" I've ever seen. We are destroying eachother. Not helping or changing. Fucking lesbians and their damn deathbed.
I always thought that when I broke up with my first "real boyfriend" it would be because one of us fucked up; that one of us would have cheated on the other person or killed their mother or knocked their teeth out. But it's not like that all the time. This time, two boys who are very much in love with each other can't figure out how to have a stable, supportive, and edifying relationship. It's very sad. More than that, it's heartbreaking.
These are all of the things I need to say to Paul when we have our conversation. The reason why I haven't wanted to confront it up until now is simple. As simple as me being in love with him.
I love Paul more than I want to hurt him.
Yet, there is truth to the theory of living for oneself. Loving yourself so that you can love someone else. If the person you're with doesn't make you love yourself, then it's time to rethink the whole situation.
It could be time to find my roots and move on.
